Friday, January 13, 2012


I’ve been thinking a lot about the past year and a half.  Ryan and I felt God sending us out May 2010.  We felt He had a purpose. A plan. A reason for all of the hardship and journey we faced.
It’s now January 2012.  The plan is still not apparent. The purpose is still yet to be seen. The journey is quiet.
In my reflections, I think a lot about the what if’s and the what’s next.
I don’t at all think we’ve missed to boat.
But, I just don’t know what to think about all of this…still. 

I miss ministry.
I miss having a home church.
I miss being involved. 
I miss our purpose in ministry.
I miss it all.

Ryan and I have tried on multiple occasions to pursue planting a church, which seems to be the only “open door right now for us.” We’ve had meetings with other people. We’ve sought out wise council. We’ve prayed, planned, chatted, and discussed all of the possible ins and outs. Nevertheless, despite the fire we try to fan – there just isn’t a flame there.  I don’t know that we have a heart for church planting, or a fire to make one happen.  Every time we put effort there, a spark never really ignites.
I feel pretty passionately that’s a sign.  That God is revealing something in us through this.  That perhaps, planting isn’t in the deck right now.  
That’s there’s something else.
While I am not losing hope about that something else,
I am so confused – and almost discouraged. 
Tossed between missing ministry, and trying to stay “involved” – but feeling more and more like an outsider in the world of church. 
In many ways, like we no longer have a place, or a calling.
I know these things not to be true.
But, at times these are the thoughts that ring in my head.
 I find myself thinking about the future.
 What is yet to come. 
What is yet to be discovered. 
Wondering what it will entail.
If ministry is part of it.
I wish there was more to say.  I wish I knew “the plan.”
I wish there was something tangible I could see that was in the works.
There’s not.

I’m recognizing a constant pattern of waiting in this journey.  
Seems like for a year and a half now we’ve been waiting.
It’s hard to be on a journey without movement.
This journey of waiting is so against our grain.
When we stepped out, we prayed that God would take us wherever HE wanted us.  Little did we know then, that we would still be waiting for Him to call our number.
That we would still be waiting for that direction from Him.

I am sure the time will come.
I am sure movement will happen at some point.
But for now, we are in idle.

It’s hard to plan.
It’s hard to predict our next steps.
It’s just hard to just

1 comment:

  1. Desyrae, I always read your posts, always am moved by them, always think about commenting but rarely do.
    Your writing is so honest and true. When I read your posts, I always feel like you've bared your questioning yet hopeful soul. I will be praying that as you wait for clear direction, your heart and Ryan's will be full of peace and grace and faith.
    Much love,