Words.

Sometimes, things come to us.
Ryan and I talk regularly about this journey we have found ourselves on.
We wonder about all of the whys.
We talk a lot about the what ifs.
We think about the things to come.
Mostly we talk.
Talk through past situations.
Talk in regard to present burdens.
Talk about current blessings.

Nine times out of ten, we find ourselves in the cycle of whys.
Still wondering.
The conversation ends with big questions remaining in the air.
Unanswered.
Unapparent.

We think about what's next.
What door to be seeking.
Who will cross our path.
The next part of this journey.

I can honestly say that we have no clue.
If you haven't already picked up on the elephant in the room its that NONE of this fully makes sense to us.
We are just going with it.
Conventional? No.
Planned? Nope.
Desired? NOT AT ALL.
Impressed? Yes. On our hearts.
And for now, that's all of the reason we have, "because it was pressed deeply on our hearts."
Ryan ended our conversation two night ago by saying,
"Des, we are living sent- our current life's calling was to go...we are doing that. God is sending us somewhere HE knows, and for now that's alone is our purpose. Sent and Following.
Living sent."

In worship yesterday, while singing a favorite the words resonated like never before.
Shortening the verses this quote came forth...
"Called Out.
Made new."

Months ago, we were called out.
We followed.
We faced some hard times, God is making us new through that.
We are currently unsure of what's next but we've followed.
We are living sent.

Details unknown.
Life a bit jumbled.
Focus unclear.
Moving one step at a time as God lights the path.
Weary.
Uncertain.
Hopeful
and thankful.

Living sent.

Preschool.

So, even though this is our "journey" blog and not our "family" blog (starringthestevensons.blogspot.com)
I wanted to update our readers (YOU!) on the preschool situation for Eli. While Eli starting preschool I would normally be part of our other blog, the background is all in regards to this blog. Part of our current journey includes Ryan taking on a new job.  Ryan was one of the caretakers for Eli so that I could work.  With him starting a new job, and me going to back to work.... finding Eli care had been at the top of our "to do" list.
In my last post I explained a bit of our ordeal.  Ryan and I were so touched by the amount of questions,  emails,  and prayers lifted up in regards to this situation.
In fact, we even had a dear friend offer to open her home and arms to helping us out.  Thank you to that friend for your love shown, you know who you are.
Naturally, we would not have turned her down.  In fact, we were praising God for her and His provision through her.  Our next task was to try to get our "deposit" back from the preschool and withdraw Eli.   When we called to do so, we were informed that unfortunately it was a non-refundable deposit (which we basically already knew) and that our only option was to keep Eli enrolled for the month of September and part of October to get our deposit's worth.
Ryan was hesitant, but said OK.  The preschool teacher followed by asking Ryan if we were still interested in Eli going to two days.  She remembered us basically begging a few weeks back for a two day slot and at the time, there was not one available.  Ryan responded with, "well possibly, but you said that wasn't an option."  She continued with, "well it wasn't, but Friday one of our families informed us that the father was being furloughed, and that they would have to cut back on their days....this opens a two-day slot.  If you do decide to take it, you will be covered for care until November."
Two days was what we wanted.
It's all we need.
It's truly what we were praying would happen.
With our dear friend's offer still on the table, but our money tied up in the school- we gratefully thanked God for looking out for us and providing the two day slot--and we accepted.
All in all, everything worked out.
Eli will start at the preschool next Wednesday.
I'm still nervous to have Eli in someone else's care besides family or friends, but confident that Eli will grow, learn, and be loved there.
Thank you to all who prayed, and to our dear friend for her offered hope and willing spirit.

a J-O-B.

I'm trying to think of a creative way to open this blog up.
Nothing is coming to mind.
So I will write.

There has been a lot of celebrating around here the past few days.
Biggest news: Ryan landed a job.
Not just any job, an amazing job.
A professional job.
A hard-to-get job.
A GOD-GIVEN job.

It's truly and understatement to say that it feels as though a GIANT tidal wave of relief has overcome our household.  Honestly, it was at the last minute, and yes we were fretting.
Ryan and I had enough money saved to make it until September.
As you and I both know, September is next week.
Yes, nickel and dime-ing is a term we have lived very well these past couple weeks.
Thankfully after nearly a three month application process, the end is in sight, and God has sent provision through a job.

Starting from the begining, if you would have asked Ryan three months ago where he would be working, I garantee Farmer's Insurance was not what he would have said.
We had a few other doors that appeared open, and probable at the time.
Needless to say, God slammed many of those doors, and to this day some never were shut...just silent.
It's been a hard summer of uncertainty.
A difficult time of trusting God, but doubting the road ahead.
The opportunities we thought were guaranteed to us quickly faded with every passing day.
What we had confidence and comfortability in, dropped us.
It was hard.
Ryan applied everywhere, with what seemed like hundreds of other people.
Jobs we thought were in the bag, weren't interested.
Jobs that were handed to him, were taken before he could even start.
It was NUTS!

All of that to say, in the beginning, one of the many applications Ryan applied for was as a Property Adjuster for Farmer's Insurance.  We have a great friend who does this very same job in the Redding area and loves it. Ryan, thinking it was a LOOONNNNGGGG shot, applied.  The posting was for an adjuster to serve the Loomis to Tahoe area.  If you know anything about where we currently live, you would know that the closest point in that area to our home would be a 45 minute drive--making the furthest point (Tahoe) a two hour drive.  Obviously not at all convenient.  But, needing to make ends meet and desperate for anything, Ryan applied.

In the meantime, Ryan was still pursuing other opportunities for work that we thought were sure to pan out.
They didn't.
And in July, Ryan got his first call from Farmer's.
Then his second, a phone interview.
Which resulted in his first interview.
Which then lead to a group interview.
Which was followed up by a ride along.
And finally an offer.

Ryan was basically hired on the spot after his group interview.
We were ecstatic,  BUT it took nearly three weeks to get the official offer.
So, while we were so excited that it looked like something was finally working out, we were so hesitant to holding our breath in fear something "could still happen."

Nearly three months after applying, Ryan got the verbal offer on Friday.
The job is a huge blessing.
The pay and benefits are JUST what we needed.
Ryan is so excited to see WHY THIS job.
Why was this the only door God kept open.
Why did the other ones close?
Our prayer all along is that God would close all doors and ONLY leave open the "right" one.
Here it is.

The job story continues.

After his first interview, Ryan was told that he was not being considered for the Loomis - Tahoe area, but that they were considering him for the Sacramento area.  YAY!
This was huge, huge news!
But---it got even better.
After his last interview, were he was basically hired on the spot, they informed him that he was no longer being considered for Loomis-Tahoe, or Sacramento, but now--West Sacramento.
So yes, Ryan is now a property adjuster for  the West Sacramento area.
West Sac,
The area God put on our hearts.
The area we moved to.
The area we aren't sure what we are here for, but God is confirming to us daily that YES we are just where he wants us.

No, we still don't know why West Sac.
No, we have NO idea why Farmers Insurance (though I will add Ryan LOVED the ride along, and can't wait to start!)
We are just in awe of God's hand and how it's leading us through this journey.

This week I had a wonderful conversation with my teaching partner Kelly.
As a fellow pastor's wife, I was sharing with her some of my struggles and uncertainty.
With a listening ear to talk to, I shared.

This transition has been a stretching one.
One that I am pretty sure I can say we were not expecting.
Yes, three months ago we were confident we were going to plant a church.
That has changed.
Three months ago, Ryan had a few jobs "lined up."  That changed.
Three months ago, God called us out.
We went.

Since then, a lot of things our life was built around has faded.
And in many ways, we have stepped away from everything we knew to follow God.
I have felt confused and uncertain.
Growing up, all I have ever known is working for the church.
Being part of the Pastor's family.
Eating, sleeping, and breathing ministry.
This summer, I have felt a huge part of me was gone.

In my conversation with Kelly she reminded of our current ministry.
We are living it daily.
And while we aren't sure WHAT exactly it is, yet...
We KNOW God is with us.
We know we are right where HE want's us.
Your calling is being where God wants you, when he was you there.
We are in our calling.

Ryan starts with Farmers on August 30.
He is so excited.
We are so relived.
We are anxious to see where this road takes us.
Does it make sense? Nope.
Is it what we planned? Not at all.
Are we at peace with it? Absolutely.
God is with us, His hand is VERY evident in our lives.
We are where he wants us, and soon Ryan will be doing What God wants of him (for now....)


Side note Prayer Request:
Ryan and I have been on a wild goose chase looking for a Day-care for Eli. My expectations are HUGE, and my list of "must-haves/do's" is endless.  This has been a very hard thing for me to swallow, and finding the perfect place has seemed impossible.
Three weeks ago, Ryan and I came across the perfect place. A In-Home Christian preschool. Pristine. Warm. The place I envisioned and hoped for in our search. Priced high, but not terrible.  I fell in love.
This was it.  If Eli was going to have to be in someone else's care, it was in this preschool he needed to be......
All fine and dandy in mind and words, but NOT in finances.
We are looking for care for two-days a week.
The preschool only has an opening for a three-day a week commitment.
Essentially leaving us in the bind of paying for days we don't need (and truly can't afford)...or walking away.
With a heavy heart, this mommy is torn.
Prayer for God's provision in this situation would mean so, so much to me.
Eli is getting to the age where an outlet with other kids would be so beneficial for his development, but I still want it to be in a loving nurturing, Christian environment.
My prayer is that in the next week (yes, its that close) God would give us security in our decision, one way or the other.
That a two day slot would open up....or like HE has with every other situation, He will shut the door and give us peace that the right place is out there.
Will keep you posted.

Unspoken.

There are many things that have gone unspoken.
Unwritten.

They are the things we cannot share.
They are the words that were said.
The actions that were (or were not) done.
They are the things that have hindered our hearts.
They are the things that have brought us down.
They are personal.
They are offensive.
They hurt.

While I cannot share specifics, though the list countlessly races through my mind every time it comes up again.
A list I would love to clear my mind of.
A list I want erased from my heart.
A list I so desperately want to move on from.

I'm angry.
I'm broken.
I'm hurt.

I'm giving it to GOD daily.

The thing about forgiveness is that it is a choice.
Something one has to commit to doing.
And sometimes...
over and over again.

This is where we are.
Having to forgive, over and over again.
It's so hard.
It's so grueling.

Making the effort to move on, just to be burned again--is hard.
Impossible it seems, at times.
Despite the hurtful occurrences,
I am trying.
Tired.
Hurt.
Unspoken.
But trying.

A Why.

Last night, after a great night of dinner with my family.  Ryan and I sat down to watch TV. It was a beautiful summer evening here in West Sac, and as with most evenings the Delta Breeze was traveling throughout our house as we had all of the windows open.
Eli was asleep.
All was clam and quiet.

Well, sort of.
We live in a great neighborhood.
Full of life.
The joy of children laughing is heard regularly.
Last night, as we sat contented.

The silence broke.
While we sat in the living room,
the quiet of a peaceful evening was shattered with the crying of a toddler.
Jumping up, I ran to the hallway.
Thankfully, with my heart pounding I quickly realized that it wasn't Eli.
He was still safe, in his crib.
Dreaming peacefully.

My sudden relief changed as my heart dropped.
The crying was suddenly drowned out by shouting.
Loud shouting.
Fighting.
Cruel words.
Suddenly we heard the door next door slam, and that sweet baby was left to cry alone-- in the room directly across from our office window.
While the fight continued in other areas of the house.

I don't know much about the family next door.
Honestly, Ryan and I have been tied up in our own whirlwind to really reach out.
I know that there is a grandma.
And a sweet toddler girl.
There seems to be a mom and a dad.
Maybe a uncle or two.
Its a busy home.
And besides the grandma and the baby, we aren't really sure who lives there.

Last night, while Eli sleep in his room
and the baby next door continued to cry over the now faint angry voices.
My tears welled.




In the many moments that followed,
I sat on the couch praying.
My heart was broken.
Broken for the baby who needed comfort.
Broken for a family, broken.

In those moments, for that night I wanted nothing more then to offer that little girl arms of safety.
I wanted to crawl through the window and rescue her.
I wanted to knock on the door, and offer a safe harbor for the baby while they duked it out.
I wanted to give that sweet little girl a quiet, peaceful night.
With sweet dreams.

I wanted to shelter her.

I wanted shelter for her.

I couldn't.
All I could do, was pray.
I prayed that God's arms would comfort her to sleep.
That she would feel love like no other.
That her ears would not hear the words being yelled, and that she would hear the gentle voice of a loving Father rocking her to sleep.

After about ten minutes. It got quiet in her room.
The faint voices in the background continued.
I assume she had fallen asleep.

I went to bed last night with a heavy heart.
Sadly, I don't know her name.
I wish I did.
Soon, I will.

God has given us this time.
He's placed us in this place.
We have said numerous times that we don't know the WHY's or WHAT for's yet.

For a few weeks I have felt a bit like that little girl.
Confused.
Unsure.
Scared.

Needing comfort.
In all that's happened, God has been there.
His peace has filled out home.
His love has been present.
He's here.
And last night, He was there with that precious baby.

Last night, I felt my first task at hand.
Perhaps the first WHY and What for.
Our neighbors.
To love this family.
To show love to this family.
To let them know we are here.
To be an extension of the gentle hand of God to them.

Is it grand?
Maybe not.
Is it the end result?
Probably not.
Is it necessary?
Absolutely.
People all around us need love everyday.
People need to know there is hope, comfort and peace in this broken world.

^{Psalm 34:18 (The Message)} 
If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; 
 if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.


May a wave of peace and hope start from our home, and reach out to those around us.

1 Peter 4

^(7-11)Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help. That way, God's bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he'll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time. Oh, yes!
The Message Translation.


Thank you Ashley for the reminder.  Love you.

Rumor has it....

No, I'm not Jennifer Anniston, nor is the rumor that Kevin Costner is my father.

Apparently the rumor is that Ryan and I are "disenfranchised" with church.  This, being the reason why we resigned.  That we no longer enjoy the church atmosphere and are done with being in ministry.

Can I just say, on the record....NO!

Not even close.

My stomach has been turning since I heard this "rumor."

I know that people are going to say what they think, no matter what they've been told.

But it is disappointing when Ryan and I tried very hard to over-communicate why we are making these life changes.

So, for the sake of the rumor.

IF we are disenfranchised with the church....why would we move to an new area of town to pursue a new church here.

IF we are disenfranchised with the church...why are we still tithing.

IF we are disenfranchised with ministry....why are we currently  part of starting and building new ministries.  Two to be specific.

IF we are disenfranchised with the church....why are we attending eagerly as a family on Sundays?

IF we are disenfranchised with the church....why are we waiting for the perfect job, so that we can continue to be available for what God wants of us next.

IF we are disenfranchised with the church....don't you think EVERYONE would know that?

But, We're not.

Ryan and I left the ministry we were part of to open ourselves up to DO whatever God wants of us next.  We felt our time there was over and God wants us for something else.
Do we know what yet?  No.
But that in no way means we are upset, mad, sick of, or tired of "the church."
Disenfranchised? Not at all.
Ryan and I are still very much involved in the church in general.
To clear any questions, we have been attending multiple churches with family and friends to explore various ministry types and get a better grasp on where we fit.
We still very much believe in and support the ministry of The River Church.

Change is inevitable in everybody's lives.
Change is happening in our lives.
The transition has been difficult.
Rumors, like this...don't really help.
BUT they do make us continually focus on who we are, and what we are doing all of this for.
Not for others, but for God.